5 Key Signs Someone Doesn’t Know How to Communicate (And What You Can Do About It)

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you’re desperately trying to communicate, but something just doesn’t click? Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of a conversation where it feels like the other person isn’t hearing you at all. Communication is one of the most fundamental aspects of our relationships, but it’s often where we face the most challenges. It can feel frustrating when communication breaks down, especially when it seems like the other person is defensive, dismissive, or even completely closed off.

But here’s the truth: poor communication is often a learned behavior. It’s not just about being able to talk or hear—it’s about understanding, connecting, and creating a space where both parties feel heard and valued. So, how do you recognize when someone struggles to communicate? And more importantly, how do you address these challenges without adding fuel to the fire?

In this post, we’ll explore 5 signs someone doesn’t know how to communicate and how you can navigate these situations to create better, more productive conversations. Whether you’re dealing with a family member, friend, or colleague, these insights will empower you to take control of the conversation and foster healthier communication patterns.

1. They Get Super Defensive: Feedback Feels Like an Attack

Have you ever given feedback to someone, only for them to react as if you’ve just insulted them? It’s as though your words are an attack rather than a simple conversation. When someone is consistently defensive, any form of feedback—whether positive or constructive—feels like a personal attack to them. This reaction often comes in the form of denying, deflecting, or exploding when they’re confronted with something uncomfortable.

This defensive behavior is often a sign of insecurity. Deep down, they may feel vulnerable or unsure of themselves, which causes them to protect their ego at all costs. When they feel under attack, their reflex is to shut down or lash out rather than engage in a calm, rational discussion.

What You Can Do:

• Instead of presenting feedback in a direct way, try framing it as a shared experience. For instance, say, “I felt like…” or “From my perspective…” This helps take the blame off them and keeps the focus on your feelings or observations.

• Stay calm and compassionate. Recognize that their defensiveness likely stems from a place of fear or discomfort. Offer reassurance and empathy to create an environment where they feel safer.

2. They Always Need to Be Right: Communication Isn’t a Debate

Have you ever tried to have a conversation, but the other person immediately jumps into defense mode, insisting on being right? This need to be right is a clear sign that they may not understand how to communicate effectively. Rather than listening to understand your perspective, they’re listening to respond—constantly trying to one-up you or steamroll the conversation to prove their point.

In these situations, communication turns into a competition, rather than a collaborative effort to share ideas. It’s not about finding common ground—it’s about them “winning” the conversation.

What You Can Do:

• Acknowledge their viewpoint first, even if you don’t agree. You can say something like, “I understand where you’re coming from,” or “That’s an interesting perspective.” This shows them that you’re engaged without necessarily agreeing with them.

• Redirect the conversation back to connection, not debate. Remind them that the goal isn’t to prove who’s right, but to understand each other better.

3. They Shut Down When Conflict Appears: Silence as a Shield

Imagine trying to address an issue, but the other person just goes silent or walks away. You might wonder, “Do they even care?” But the truth is, this silence isn’t because they don’t care—it’s because they don’t feel confident expressing themselves. For some, shutting down is their way of avoiding conflict and protecting themselves from uncomfortable emotions.

Unfortunately, when conflict arises, avoiding it often intensifies the problem. Silence may seem like an escape, but it only builds tension and leaves unresolved issues hanging in the air.

What You Can Do:

• Respect their need for space, but make it clear that you’re open to continuing the conversation later. Let them know that you’re not backing down, but you’re willing to revisit the issue when they feel ready.

• Use open-ended questions to encourage them to share their thoughts, such as, “I noticed you’re quiet right now—do you want to talk about what’s on your mind?”

4. They Attack Instead of Ask: Blame and Shame Are Their Tools

In a healthy conversation, both parties feel safe to express their needs without fear of judgment. However, when someone resorts to blaming or shaming others, it’s a clear indication that they don’t know how to communicate in a way that fosters connection. Instead of saying what they feel or need, they point fingers—placing all the responsibility for the problem on someone else.

Blame and shame not only make the conversation tense but also shut down any opportunity for understanding and growth. This behavior comes from a lack of emotional intelligence, and it often leads to further frustration.

What You Can Do:

• Address the behavior directly. For instance, “I hear that you’re frustrated, but when you blame me, it makes it hard for us to move forward.”

• Use "I" statements rather than “you” statements. Saying “I feel hurt when you say that” is much more constructive than “You always blame me for everything.”

5. They Make It All About Themselves: A Monologue, Not a Conversation

If you’ve ever had a conversation where you felt like you were simply a sounding board for someone else’s problems, you know how frustrating it can be. When someone constantly redirects the conversation back to themselves, it’s not only draining but also a sign that they’re not effectively engaging with you. Communication is supposed to be mutual, but when it’s all about them, it becomes a one-sided monologue.

Real communication involves mutual exchange—where both parties feel heard, respected, and valued. If one person is always making it about themselves, it’s a clear sign of poor communication.

What You Can Do:

• Gently remind them that you need space to share too. “I understand that you’re going through a lot, but I’d also like to share my thoughts if that’s okay with you.”

• Encourage balanced conversation by asking open-ended questions about their feelings, but also ensuring you get the opportunity to express your own.

Navigating Difficult Conversations with Confidence

Learning to recognize these communication patterns is crucial for building healthier, more effective relationships. Poor communication doesn’t just happen—it’s often a result of deep-seated fears, insecurities, or habits that can be broken with time and patience. As you begin to navigate conversations more consciously, you’ll notice a shift in how others respond to you.

Remember, communication isn’t about winning the argument—it’s about understanding each other and fostering a connection that allows both people to feel valued and heard.

If you’re ready to learn more about improving your communication skills and building stronger relationships, book a free strategy session with us today. Together, we’ll work through the barriers holding you back and create a plan for healthier, more fulfilling conversations.

Click here to schedule your free strategy session.