How to Stop Letting People Pull You Into Their Frame and Take Your Power Back

The Hidden Tug-of-War You Don’t See

Imagine two invisible picture frames in the air between you and the person you’re talking to.

Each frame is a reality. A perspective. A story about “what’s going on.”

When you’re calm, it’s easy to see your own frame clearly. But when someone says something that instantly triggers you, an insult, a sarcastic remark, a subtle jab, it’s like they shove their frame in front of your face and dare you to step inside. The moment you react without thinking, you’re no longer living in your truth. You’re living in their story.

And here’s the kicker:

Most people aren’t even consciously aware they’re doing this. Some do it out of habit. Others do it to feel powerful. But the result is the same, you get pulled into an emotional tug-of-war where you’re defending yourself instead of leading the moment.

It’s like walking down the street and having someone open a trapdoor in front of you. You didn’t plan to fall in, but if you’re not watching, down you go.

This is why conversations often feel exhausting. Two frames collide, and instead of finding a mutual lens, one person slips into the other’s and starts defending, explaining, or justifying. That’s the emotional cost:

• You feel drained.

• You replay the conversation in your head for hours.

• You leave feeling smaller, like you gave away something you can’t get back.

But here’s the truth: you can keep your balance.

The first step is realizing: frames aren’t “reality,” they’re just filters. And the moment you notice someone trying to pull you into theirs, you reclaim the choice to stand firm in your own.

Choose Truth Over Instinct

Here’s the paradox: when you’re triggered, your emotions feel like the most “true” thing in the world.

Your heart pounds, your chest tightens, your brain floods with all the reasons you should fight back or prove them wrong. But those emotions? They’re not the truth. They’re just the first frame your nervous system throws up in defense.

It’s like standing in a funhouse full of mirrors. One mirror makes you look tall, another squashes you short, another twists your body sideways. None of them are actually you, but if you forget that, you can start believing the distortion.

You are not your emotions. You are the one who leads.

When someone tries to bait you, maybe they say, “Why are you trying so hard?” Your instinct is to answer the question from inside their frame. That’s the trap. The moment you answer, you’ve accepted their premise. And their frame wins.

Instead, pause.

Step back mentally.

Look at the “window” you’re being offered and remember, you can change the glass, the angle, even the whole wall. You can say something that shifts the entire scene without ever stepping into their reality.

For example:

• Their frame: “You’re so sensitive.”

• Your instinct: “No, I’m not!” (Boom, you’re inside their frame.)

• Your truth frame: “I care deeply. That’s a strength.”

This is what it means to choose truth over instinct.

It’s refusing to get dragged into someone else’s storm and instead setting the climate of the conversation yourself.

When you hold your frame, you create the space where you decide what’s real. And from there? You’re no longer reactive, you’re directive.

5 Steps to Reclaim Your Emotional Power

These five steps aren’t just “tips.” They’re a blueprint for staying in control of your reality, no matter who’s trying to pull you into theirs. Practice them until they feel natural, and you’ll notice an almost magical shift in how people respond to you.

1. Name It, Don’t Obey It

When you feel that instant spark of defensiveness, name it silently: “I feel triggered.” This gives your logical brain a seat at the table before your emotions take the wheel. Naming a reaction is like putting a leash on it; it stops it from running wild.

2. Delay to Decide

Most traps work because they catch you in a knee-jerk moment. Give yourself even a two-second pause before you speak. Breathe. Let your nervous system settle so you respond from clarity instead of impulse. This is the difference between falling into their trapdoor and walking right past it.

3. Reframe the Lens

Ask yourself: “What’s another way to see this?”If they say, “You’re too much,” you might reframe it as, “I’m fully expressed.” If they say, “You’re overthinking,” you might shift it to, “I think things through.” This keeps you rooted in a frame that serves you.

4. Hold Your Ground With Calm Certainty

You don’t need to argue or prove yourself. Your calm presence is more powerful than any defensive speech. Imagine your frame as a sturdy oak tree; storms may shake the branches, but the roots remain unmovable.

5. Redirect the Frame Entirely

Instead of battling inside their story, tell a better one. If someone says, “You’re just lucky,” you could respond, “I create my own opportunities.” By redirecting, you set the new scene where you are the main character.

From Hooked to Unshakable: A Client Story

When “Lisa” first came to me, she felt like every conversation was a battlefield she kept losing. 

At work, one coworker in particular knew exactly which buttons to push.

A casual “You’re overreacting again” could derail her whole afternoon. She’d spend hours replaying the exchange, thinking of all the things she should have said. By the time she got home, she was mentally drained, short-tempered, and feeling smaller than she was that morning.

In our first session, I introduced her to the concept of frames.

We practiced spotting when someone was inviting her into theirs. We role-played scenarios where, instead of defending herself, she paused, breathed, and asked, “What’s another way to see this?” At first, it felt unnatural. Almost like she was “losing” by not fighting back.

Then something shifted.

The next time her coworker said, “You’re too sensitive,” she simply smiled and replied, “I care deeply. That’s important to me.” No anger. No defensiveness. Just calm certainty.

Lisa told me later it was like watching her coworker’s script glitch. They didn’t know where to go next. And in that silence, Lisa realized, she’d just won without throwing a single punch.

Over the next few weeks, her interactions transformed.

She wasn’t avoiding confrontation; she was leading it. She began to feel bigger in conversations, more in control, more herself.

That’s the hidden magic of holding your frame: you stop letting others dictate your story and start narrating it yourself.

Dr. Peter Gagliardo’s Expert Insight: Why Frame Control Works

“Every conversation is a battle of realities. The one who keeps their center… wins.”,  Dr. Peter Gagliardo

Over the past two decades, I’ve helped thousands of clients break free from emotional traps that once felt impossible to escape. The secret isn’t learning a hundred clever comebacks; it’s training your subconscious mind to hold its ground automatically.

Here’s why:

Your brain runs on patterns. If you’ve spent years defending yourself or explaining your worth to others, that response becomes a reflex. Even when you want to hold your frame, your subconscious kicks in with the old habit before you can stop it.

That’s where tools like hypnosis, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and identity work come in. They bypass the surface chatter and rewrite the underlying “script” that controls your reactions. With this deeper work, you stop having to think about holding your frame; it just becomes who you are.

Think of it like strengthening a muscle. At first, you lift with effort, focusing on every rep. But after consistent training, you carry weight without noticing. That’s what happens when you integrate frame control into your identity: you’re no longer “trying” to stay grounded; you simply are grounded.

And the ripple effect is huge. You make decisions from clarity instead of fear. You stop overexplaining. People feel your calm certainty and respect it, even if they can’t explain why.

Step Into the Driver’s Seat

Every conversation you have is an invitation to step into someone else’s world or to hold your own.

Most people drift from frame to frame, tossed around by every opinion, jab, or subtle put-down. But you’re no longer “most people.” You now understand the game.

You’ve learned that frames aren’t reality, they’re filters.

You’ve seen how a pause, a breath, and a reframe can shift the entire dynamic.

You’ve practiced what it feels like to stay grounded while someone tries to shake you.

The cost of inaction is steep; keep letting others pull you into their frame, and you’ll keep feeling drained, reactive, and unsure of yourself. But the reward of holding your frame is profound: confidence without arrogance, peace without passivity, and the power to shape how the world responds to you.

So imagine this, your life as the driver’s seat of a sleek, steady car. People can shout directions from the passenger seat, but your hands stay on the wheel. You decide the route. You choose the scenery. You control the destination.

This isn’t about “winning” every conversation. It’s about never losing yourself in one again.

If you’re ready to master this skill at the subconscious level, so it becomes effortless in every area of life, let’s talk.

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