I Can Empathize Without Excusing You”: How to Set Boundaries with People Stuck in Victim Mode

They tell you they’re struggling.

They tell you their life has been hard.

They tell you that’s why they said what they said…or did what they did.

And suddenly, you feel guilty for being upset.

You start softening. Justifying. Bending.“Well, they’re going through a lot…”

Until one day, you wake up emotionally drained, trapped in someone else’s storm, while your own boundaries have disappeared.

Sound familiar?

This is the cycle of weaponized empathy.

Where someone uses their pain to avoid accountability, and pulls you into a role you never signed up for: rescuer, fixer, or silent absorber.

But here’s the truth:

👉 You can empathize with someone’s struggle without excusing their behavior.

You can say:

“I hear you. I care. And this still isn’t okay.”

That one line changes everything.

It breaks the spell of guilt.

It honors both compassion and self-respect.

And most of all, it stops the victim mentality from taking root in your life.

Because the longer you excuse mistreatment in the name of understanding, the more you teach people that their pain gets to overrule your peace.

In this blog, you’ll learn:

• How to recognize when someone is using struggle as a shield

• Why empathy without boundaries becomes emotional self-betrayal

• And the exact words to say when you’re done absorbing and ready to respond with clarity

Ready to shift from drained to decisive?

When Pain Becomes a Mask for Power Plays

Let’s get something straight:

Struggling doesn’t make someone toxic.

But using that struggle to escape accountability? That’s a red flag wrapped in a sob story.

There’s a big difference between sharing pain and weaponizing pain.

Here’s what often happens:

Someone hurts you, maybe they lash out, cross a line, or blame you for something that wasn’t yours to carry.

But when you try to talk about it, they lead with:

“I’ve just been going through a lot.” “You know how hard this year has been for me.” “I didn’t mean to, but I’ve been struggling.”

And just like that, your emotions get pushed aside, and their pain becomes the headline.

It’s like being hit by a car, and when you call it out, the driver says:

“Yeah, but I was late and stressed and tired.”

You can understand why it happened.

But that doesn’t mean the harm didn’t.

This is what happens when people slip into victim mode.

They confuse explaining with excusing.

They start believing that their pain gives them a pass to behave however they want.

And if you’re not careful, you’ll start believing it too.

Let’s use a metaphor:

Imagine someone spills red wine on your white carpet.

When you ask them to clean it up, they say:

“Well, I’ve had a really hard day.”

That may be true.

But guess what?

🧠 The stain is still there.

And if you keep letting it happen, you won’t just have one stain—you’ll have a home full of damage that wasn’t yours to begin with.

This is why assertiveness matters.

It’s not about being cold.

It’s about telling the truth, kindly.

It’s about being able to say:

“I care that you’re hurting. And I also need this behavior to stop.”

One doesn’t cancel out the other.

That’s not cruelty. That’s clarity.

Flip the Script — The Boundary That Ends the Guilt Loop

Most people are never taught how to hold two truths at once:

That someone can be hurting, and still be responsible for how they treat others.

But when you learn how to stand in both empathy and self-respect, you stop absorbing emotional responsibility that isn’t yours to carry.

This is where the magic line comes in:

“I can empathize with your struggle—without excusing your behavior.”

Read that again.

That sentence does three powerful things at once:

1. It validates their pain without making it your problem.

2. It draws a clear boundary around what’s not acceptable.

3. It re-centers the accountability right where it belongs—with them.

Let’s walk through how this plays out.

💥 Them: “I’ve been going through so much… that’s why I snapped at you.”

✅ You:

“I get that you’re overwhelmed and I care. But snapping at me isn’t okay. I can empathize with your struggle… without excusing your behavior.”

💥 Them: “You know I have trust issues. That’s why I checked your phone.”

✅ You:

“I hear that your past has been painful. But invading my privacy isn’t the answer. I understand why you feel that way but it doesn’t make it okay.”

Notice the shift?

You're no longer defending yourself.

You're no longer negotiating your boundaries.

You're leading the conversation from clarity, not guilt.

Because here’s the deeper truth:

👉 Empathy without boundaries becomes enabling.

👉 Boundaries without empathy become walls.

But together? They become your power.

You can be kind and still say no.

You can love someone and still hold them accountable.

You can care deeply—and still walk away if they won’t respect your limits.

It’s not cold.

It’s clear.

And clarity is what ends the cycle.

5 Steps to Handle Manipulative Apologies or Excuses

When someone uses struggle as a shield or guilt as a leash, it’s easy to get caught in the emotional fog.

Here’s how to cut through the haze and lead from clarity instead of confusion.

1. Pause Before You Respond

When emotions run high, your nervous system is more likely to react than reflect.

Take a breath. Slow it down. Ask yourself:

“Is what they’re saying true or just triggering?” This gives you space to lead instead of defend.

2. Validate Without Enabling

You can say, “I hear that this is hard for you,” without agreeing that their behavior is justified.

This creates connection without collapsing your boundaries.

Example:

“I get that you’re under a lot of stress… and I also need to feel safe when we talk.”

3. Use Assertive Language That Re-centers Accountability

This is the heart of your power. Use phrases like:

“I care about you, but I’m not okay with that.” “I understand why, but that doesn’t make it acceptable.” “I’m here to support growth, not repeat patterns.”

These are boundary-setters with compassion baked in.

4. Watch for the Repeat Pattern

One-time slip? Human.

Repeat cycle? Pattern.

If the same behavior keeps showing up, especially after you’ve spoken up, you're not dealing with a misunderstanding.

You're dealing with someone who relies on guilt to avoid growth.

Want help identifying emotional patterns like this?

5. Choose Your Line—and Hold It Firm

This is where transformation happens.

Once you’ve expressed your boundary, you must enforce it.

Whether that means walking away, limiting contact, or changing the dynamic entirely, your peace depends on action, not just understanding.

Because some people will only stop crossing the line…when they realize you’re no longer standing there waiting.

Client Story — How One Conversation Changed Everything

When Jasmine first came to see me, she was exhausted.

Not from work. Not from parenting.

But from constantly managing someone else’s emotions.

Her partner would snap at her, go silent for days, or say hurtful things, and then always follow it up with:

“You know I’m dealing with anxiety.” “You know my childhood was hard.” “You know I didn’t mean it.”

And Jasmine, being kind and understanding, kept letting it slide.

She told herself:

“They’re hurting. I should be patient.” “It’s not personal, they just have a lot going on.”

But something inside her was breaking.

Her spark was dimming.

Her confidence was slipping away.

And that’s when she said the line that changed everything:

“I feel like I’m always the one bleeding, but I’m supposed to clean up their mess.”

We worked on one powerful shift:

Empathy without enabling.

We practiced saying:

“I care that you’re struggling, and I won’t accept this behavior anymore.”

At first, it felt terrifying.

But when she finally said it out loud, she didn’t just draw a line.

She stepped into her power.

And something unexpected happened…

Her partner didn’t explode.

They paused. Reflected. Apologized... for real.

Not with an excuse, but with ownership.

And for the first time, Jasmine felt heard.

Not because she yelled.Not because she convinced.

But because she stood calm, clear, and rooted in her worth.

That one moment changed the tone of their entire relationship.

And even if it hadn’t?

Jasmine had already won.

Because she proved to herself that she could lead from truth, even in the face of someone else’s pain.

Dr. Peter Gagliardo’s Expert Insight

“Compassion becomes self-betrayal the moment it asks you to abandon your own needs.”—Dr. Peter Gagliardo

In my work with over 3,000 clients, one pattern keeps showing up:

People who deeply care, who lead with empathy, often struggle the most with boundaries.

Not because they don’t know what’s wrong…but because they don’t want to seem unkind, cold, or dismissive.

But here’s what I remind every client:

You are not responsible for someone else’s emotional regulation.

You can love someone and still say no.

You can understand their pain and still expect them to grow.

This is why my therapeutic approach blends hypnosis, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and identity restructuring.

We don’t just teach you what to say.

We rewire the part of you that thought your needs were secondary to someone else’s pain.

By combining deep subconscious work with practical emotional tools, we help clients:

• Untangle from manipulative cycles

• Heal the inner narrative that says “I must fix or absorb”

• Build rock-solid communication skills rooted in self-respect

And when we anchor those skills with somatic clarity and subconscious safety, our clients don’t just know they’re allowed to have boundaries—they feel safe enforcing them.

Stop Absorbing. Start Leading.

You’ve spent enough time being the emotional sponge.

Absorbing guilt.Explaining yourself.Doubting whether you’re “too sensitive” or “not understanding enough.”

But now you know better.

You can lead with heart, without handing it over .

You can be the person who says:

“I get it. I see your pain.But I will not let it silence my truth.”

This is what emotional maturity looks like.

Not hardening. Not punishing.

But choosing truth over guilt, growth over blame, and boundaries over burnout.

Because the moment you start honoring your peace with the same compassion you offer others, you stop attracting people who only come for your softness.

You start calling in relationships built on mutual respect, shared responsibility, and emotional safety.

And you stop reacting…You start leading.

If this blog struck a nerve, it’s because something inside you is ready to rise.

You don’t need to figure it all out alone.

Let’s create a plan that helps you reclaim your voice, your energy, and your emotional power.

👉 Book Your Free Strategy Session

We’ll talk about what’s keeping you stuck, what you actually want, and how to step into the version of you who no longer justifies mistreatment in the name of empathy.

You deserve that kind of peace. Let’s claim it—together.